There used to be a time when a plan meant exactly that – a Plan. Mind you, it’s not very often that we expect such lowly things of politicians. After all, you could reason that if you want a friggin plan then go elect a project manager or planning manager (God forbid) not a lawmaker or PR luvvie or Donald Trump.
The problem, politicians might argue, is not their planning skills which are clearly as visible as the Corona itself – the problem is Coronavirus. You see, if Covid (the barbarian) hadn’t come along and spoilt their party/credibility/skill-at-pretending-to-be-at-work/ability-not-to-give-a-damn-about-anyone-else none of us would have had to experience the so called planning skills in the elusive chase for an exit to lockdown.
But, you see, every plan has a flaw. Germany’s flaw was opening up a little too gingerly in the name of Mercedes and Benz only to see their R rate bounce back as quickly as a little sports car goes nought to sixty. China’s flaw is a city on the border with Russia that keeps flaring up with the Corona like a kid with measles. So where’s Trumps Wall when you need one? Americas flaw in the Donnie plan is that no one seems to pay the slightest bit of attention to it or him or twitter any longer – not even him or he’d learn to spell at least. And who said the wild west was lost? Even South Korea’s much lauded planning was thrown wide open by a few dudes partying their socks off and swapping saliva like betting slips at a live market cock fight in Seouls slinky night spots. And, last but by no means least, it seems the UK’s flashing flaw in the plan is, well, Bozzer.
You see, while we were probably all a little astounded at the opaque nature of most leaders lockdown exit plans it seems that the UK set a new record for coming up with the planets most anticipated, most pre-trumpeted plan ever that, like the best of the best magic tricks, once revealed proved as solid as thin air and as present as a rabbit exiting the hat. The greatest PR trick of all was sold to the great British public – presenting a PR coup of a plan that had absolutely no plan whatsoever. Its kinda genius really.
It would be the equivalent of Churchill announcing that after many months of enduring the WW2 blitz and rationing and lights off at night we could all of a sudden go out a bit more to exercise so long as we stay alert, which would presumably be a motivational training tip to keep us exercising at a faster rate for fear of German invaders pouncing from behind park benches. That way we would stay warmer and require less heating while we stay at home, to save lives, to figure out how to invent the NHS! Cos apparently the best time to build a start-up is in the middle of a crisis.
But, Winnie would then tell us, no worries, because after this blitz dodging phase we should hopefully be OK and so at some other point we might think about venturing back out onto those Normandy beaches to meet up with some other soldiers so long as it’s one at a time and we’re careful who we bring back on the boats unless of course they’re French because apparently they’re great lovers and they cook really well. Both handy traits after you’ve been ravaged by the visible enemy in a murky blue suit and enjoyed quite a few lonely weeks on the Dunkirk beaches.
And after we somehow miraculously win the war thanks to absolutely no planning whatsoever but some really great cigar toting TV appearances (from Winnie) we will probably be able to open everything up again including the hospitality sector because we’ll have to be as hospitable as possible to thank all those people from all those other countries for beating back the marauding, non invisible Nazi folk. Because they will have had a plan (to win the war) (we hope) and so will be much more likely to find us with a map than the other way around. Plus, why wouldn’t they all want to travel to the populist, er popular UK for the weather, beaches and pubs. Well, at least the pubs.
And like that would have been the exact best way to lose WW2 it looks like this latest lack of an exit plan might prove to be the exact best way to lose to Corona. Mind you, at least we’ll all get to stay in and watch the football season restart assuming we can still afford the Sky TV box or they figure out that nationalising the premier league is the plan to beat all plans.
Maybe I’ll just escape to France.
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Philip Letts 