I know it’s hard to imagine a life after Coronavirus, particularly if you’re living in one of those countries still in the early phases of lockdown with a mirage of an exit plan and a leader in exile. But there has to be life after Coronavirus a little like there had to be life after Napoleon, the great depression, WW2, the Vietnam war, the Cuban missile crisis and even life after Ted Bundy.
But what will life look like after we sweep away this disease? And, while we’re at it, surely we have to ask ourselves more celestially vital questions like how much of the next reality TV dystopian norm will feature the Kardashians? Everyone talks about unprecedented times or maybe it’s just politician cover-my-back-end-lingo or perhaps this time round we will get a chance to reboot the planet and answer the biggest, biggest question of all (yes, even bigger than the Kardashians) which is – do we restart later this year exactly where we started off? (Christ another four years of the Donnie and Bozzer show). Or do we start back in a different way? Do we learn our collective lessons and change course? A timely question given this week, Wednesday to be precise, is Earth Day.
You see we keep telling ourselves that Coronavirus is the biggest public health crisis in modern times. But, what if it’s not? What if there’s an even larger public health crisis just around the corner and the next one’s the real deal? What if David Attenborough (for President – you heard it here first) and every single friggin climate scientist on this entire goddamned planet is actually right and Donnie, Marie and friggin tweedle dum(b) are wrong and the Climate virus will make the Corona virus look like a nano drop in the proverbial Mexican bottled beer. What if Covid-19 is just a dress rehearsal for the real pandemic, nature’s back to ice-age next extinction, that when it unleashes its full fury on us in a decade or two means we ALL get wiped?? You know, the bye bye human race kinda wiped.
Or, what if we use Earth Day to make a new list of commandments. The I don’t want to find out that Donnie/Bozzer/Bolso-I’m-a-nut-naro are actually completely full of, well, nothing and we should have listened to Dave boy Attenborough and ALL those thousands and thousands and thousands of climate scientists who actually know their shit kinda ten commandments. And in anycase, seeing as we all have a bit more time on our hands, you could logically argue that the ten commendments should be up for a bit of a refresh.
Here are the new revised Ten Commandments (2.0):
1. Thou shalt not create any unnecessary waste including food waste, plastic waste, clothing waste, energy waste or crap tv.
2. Thou shalt listen to Elon Musk at all times and driveth electric cars and not just hybrids and moveth to electric heating and renewable energy sources for all thine energy needs saying a collective goodbye to the multi-headed hydras reminiscent of mine devileth nemesis nameth of the SaudiAramco, Rosneft, PteroChina, ExxonMobil, Shell and BP.
3. Thou shalt anointeth leaders and politicians who cometh from more humble loins and knoweth more about facts and telling of the truth and therefore of the persuasion of the scientists or engineers, doctors or environmentalists and NOT thine swine lawyers or accountants, pr people or real estate agents. And should it pleaseth thou tryeth to avoideth thine somewhat less than normal Kardashians. The justeth (not Bieber) new leaders shall putteth thine environment first and solveth the climate crisis straighteth away before any other of the priorities or BREXITeth distractions and they shalt always investeth in the universaleth healthcare systems and research.
4. Thou shalt eat a plant based diet and at a minimum becometh flexitarians partaking of the meat only once or twice per week. Thou shalt try to grow as much of thine vegetables as possible or buyeth locally so limiting the transportation of thine food.
5. Thou shalt fly in the sky by the skyplane only once or twiceth per annum and though shalt support local tourism and particularly eco tourism. Leaveth thine beaches for thine divine turtles, thine forests for the tigers and thine wetlands for thine birds.
6. Thou shalt supporteth slow fashion only and buyeth of thine clothes just twiceth per annum making sure to buyeth of apparel that are sourced ethically and useth sustainable and natural materials that are designeth to lasteth many years. Be careful of the mirage of the undivine celeb endorsement or the advertising agency web of the mumbo jumbo.
7. Thou shalt only worketh for companies that have cleareth and detaileth carbon neutral policies and that alloweth all their workers either to worketh from the home or to traveleth to the physical workplace either on the foot or the bicycle. Only worketh with government organisations and political parties that will not faileth to achieveth carbon neutral by 2030 and haveth clear natural capital economic policies.
8. Thou shalt rewild thy gardens, parks, commons and farms. Thou shalt not throweth the rocks or spears at thy birds in the sky in particular the pheasant, woodcock or thine grouse. Though shalt ban the trade of thine exotic animals and thou shalt closeth off of all wild animal markets and the hunting of thine endangered species or removal of the holy tusks.
9. Thou shalt not harm thy neighbour unless they cuteth down trees, plougheth up fields, destroyeth the hedgerows, cuteth the wild grass unnecessarily, useth of the fake grass or plants, overgrazeth the sheep, cow or pig, wear fast fashion, adorneth their garbage bins with thine single use plastics or eateth at McDonald’s.
10. Though shalt liveth a more kind and generous life, finding thine balance of thine life, enjoying the simpler of the pleasures including helping in thine community, enjoying more idle time witheth thine family and enjoying time in the rewilded nature even with thine (holy) wine. Though shalt listen to thine Lord but not those in the House of the Lord(s) that is full of the blashphemer or the stone slinger unto the glass house or thine unelected chamber. Thou should turneth the cheek and yeteth payeth greater attention to thine health, hospitals, religion and finding of the calm and balanced way. Havith faith that if thine follows theseth commendments that thine future shall be rosy.
Or ignore the above and look forward to Corona 2.0 and a Fort Knox like lockdown that even friggin Houdini himself would never find an exit from. Your choice.
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